Am I Ready for Divorce?
“Until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, then you are not ready for a divorce!”…. Dr. Phil
Things don’t seem to be working out in your marriage. You fell like you have reached the end of the rope and you just don’t know what else to do! You are feeling very unhappy and frustrated and you are at a point where you think you my be ready to call it quits.
But you find yourself conflicted and not sure if ending your marriage (or staying) will be a good move for you. You feel overwhelmed and confused.
This is understandable, the decision to end your marriage is by far one of the hardest you will ever have to make. There is a lot at stake and a lot of areas to be renegotiated; thereby creating a lot of uncertainty, worry and anxiety. (See below-areas impacted by divorce)
You will find that these uncertainties and accompanying worrying are usually at the heart of the confusion and indecisiveness and will have to be dealt with head-on first before any sound decision can be made.
And this is definitely something a divorce coach like myself can help you sort out.
It’s not unusual to find yourself caught up in what seems like a cycle of indecision for some significant amount time. It takes time to get the clarity needed, some degree of certainty about the future and courage to finally take that step in the direction of what you believe will make you feel fulfilled.
The uncertainty and concerns in these areas impacted by divorce unresolved, will only serve to worsen the mental angst and the overwhelm . You find yourself inundated by a whirlwind of questions, wondering…
➤If you have any other options besides divorce?
➤Should you give up on this relationship?
➤Can you afford to divorce?
➤Will you ever be loved again?
➤what will being divorced mean to you?
And what about…
➤your financial security,
➤your shared relationships like mutual friends and family, shared social circles…how do yo square them?
➤personal thriving, can you make it on your own without the comfort and security of having a partner?
➤if children are involved, custody and support issues to deal with?
➤your mental and physical wellbeing?
➤ the guilt, how do you deal with that and other conflicting emotions?
So what are you to do? How do you determine the way forward with clarity and resolve?
Well, in essence you have 3 options:
- you can either accept things as they are and do nothing or
- choose to work on the issues at hand or
- you can choose to walk away (divorce)
Whatever option you choose know that it is going to take some effort, complete honesty with yourself and change of perspective on your part. It is also going to require some degree of emotional mastery (refer to article on the subject) and self control so that way you are able to deal with this process objectively with minimal emotional “drama” injected into it.
For example if you choose to work on the marriage, know that it will require that
➤you acknowledge the good in your marriage
➤be responsible for your own happiness
➤improve communication with your spouse
➤acknowledge your contribution to the issues at hand and work to resolve them
➤it may also require a brief separation to give each other space and time to get clarity around what you desire and what’s important
➤sorting out priorities and establishing new boundaries (determine new rules of engagement)
➤being clear on what you value that is, what’s important to you
On the other hand, If divorce is the final choice, the key is to make sure that the decision was reached from a place of clarity, certainty and emotional maturity. You have to be willing to…
➤Acknowledge the good from the marriage
➤Be clear about decision
➤Be fair and communicate effectively
➤be civil towards your spouse and be able to walk away with no animosity
If you choose to let things be as is, the caveat is, you will have to find a way to acceptance, meaning you could not complain about it.
In chapter 2 we will go over the Process that will help you evaluate if you are ready for change.