Should I or Should I Not? Chapter 2

Here is a Process to help you evaluate if you are ready for change

 Emotional readiness test

In order to help you get some clarity around making a decision, there are a set of question I would like to put forth that will really help put things into perspective.

Most relationship/ marriage  experts argue that most divorces are made hastingly usually in a midst of an emotional turmoil when tensions are high.

This is the worst time ever to make make any life changing decisions since it tends to undermine our clear judgement and sound decision making.

As I mentioned earlier, Emotional readiness is one of the main determinants of whether you may be ready (or not)  for a divorce.

emotional readiness test

Q. How will you know if you are emotionally ready?

A. You will know you are ready, when you have let go of any emotional attachment to your spouse  (both good and bad) and made peace with the situation.

Test: If however, you find that you are still angry, hurt, confused, scared or conflicted about your feelings towards your spouse, maybe it is not the right time to make such a monumental decision.

Instead go back and address your feelings so that way you can bring them into completion. If you have not done so yet, please check out the  article on emotional intelligence. I give a detailed account on how to deal with emotions. Better yet, you can download it here.

You want to have a “clean cut” as much as possible. This will allow you to move on (with little or no resentment) and rebuild your life anew.

  2. Dr. Phil’s Divorce Readiness Test

America’s famous TV doctor, Dr Phil agues that until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible, then you are not ready for a divorce!

He challenges that you ask yourself these questions prior to making the decision to walk away.

Here is Dr. Phil’s test for Divorce Readiness:

1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage?

That means everything from reading books, marriage and spiritual counseling, self inquiry etc.

2. do you have unfinished emotional business?

3. have you researched, planned and prepared yourself legally for divorce?

4. are you ready to adopt a new  standard of conduct with your children

5. are you willing to create a new co-parenting relationship with your spouse

divorce readiness

If you can answer YES to all of these questions (and NO to #2) with utmost honesty, then and only then will you be ready for a divorce !

The truth is, a decision like this takes time because of the shear scope of all the issues that have to be considered. So definitely give it all the the time you need to sort all this out.

3. Here are some additional  insightful questions to help clarify your perspective even further: courtesy of ©Certified Divorce Coach,

Was there a marriage to begin with or was it just a matter of convenience?

Is divorce what you truly want or you are you just “threatening” divorce out of anger and frustration?

Are you using the threat as a way to command your partner’s attention or to get your own way?

If it’s a threat, remember nobody like to feel like they are being taken for a ride. This breeds resentment and only serve to widen the rift between the parties.

If you want significant changes between you and your partner, open, honest and clear communication is a better strategy.

where are you (or have been) holding back in fear of losing yourself?

Could you have perhaps been more loving, more understanding, more appreciative?

How am I doing exactly what I am complaining about my partner doing (or not doing)?

Are you able to act in a mature way after the divorce ?


4. How well do you handle change?

readiness for change

Are you the kind of person who..

 is able to make a change even if everything isn’t 100 % in place?

 makes changes proactively before they are forced on you?

looks forward to change as exciting and challenging?

  During a time of change, do you  ask for help and support from those reliable friends and outside trusted professionals?

After a life changing event, you step back from the situation to get a clearer perspective and give yourself time to regain a sense of balance?

When a change occurs, do you try to look at the “big picture” and acknowledge mixed feelings you might have?

 you don’t hold on to the “way things used to be,” but instead move into “the way things are” or the way that you would like them to be?

Remember be patient, don’t rush to act just to be doing something Since we are not used to just sitting and waiting, there can be the temptation to jump into action and ‘fix’ things when everything feels as though it is in an upheaval. Divorce is a process of transition and it is often a time of inertia, a time for us to slow down, reflect and adjust so we can be ready ourselves for the next chapter of our lives. 

5. Also take care of yourself – 

During a time of change, you may feel uncertain or anxious.  Take care of yourself during this time. Do things you enjoy doing that make you feel good. Take a walk, read an inspirational book or take up a hobby.

Again, if you need help figuring out all of this or anything else that has to do with divorce, I want you to know there is help.

You can go here and schedule a complimentary coaching session.

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